Finding my way in film

For a long while, my dream of filmmaking felt like chasing shadows. My journals from two decades ago bear witness: a yearning to make a short film, reiterated in countless New Year's resolutions. Yet, it felt perpetually out of reach. The reasons were manifold - fear, perhaps a hidden sense of inadequacy, but also something more insidious: the psychological barrier built by my working-class background.

I often found myself adjusting my accent (code-switching) to fit into environments that felt unfamiliar, a feeling that began during my university days. One incident at university stands out - an offhand remark comparing me to Ali G amidst a group of privately educated peers. A simple jest, perhaps, but it underscored the discomfort I held inside of me. It brings to mind a shared experience with Riz Ahmed, who faced a similar comparison during his time at Christ Church, Oxford University. This class-based apprehension intensified when I saw some of my close friends and peers, already well-established in the creative fields, express their aspirations in writing and directing. Admitting that I shared the same ambitions felt almost self-indulgent, as if the creative life was a reserve for those with more affluent backgrounds.

A significant turning point was receiving an offer of a place on their directing course at the National Film and Television School (NFTS). But rather than joy, I felt a kind of dread. My rationale for turning it down revolved around financial constraints after completing my English degree, as I was already tens of . There was truth in that reasoning, yet deep down, I wonder if bravery might have led me to a different choice.

Instead, I beavered away in the backrooms of production offices on feature dramas. My initial goal was to absorb the craft until the moment felt right, setting a deadline to make a film before turning 30. That deadline came and went, but the dream persisted.

Now, in my 40s, I've finally made my directorial debut. While some peers have extensive filmographies, my journey in this arena is still in its infancy. But it began when I was truly prepared, armed with insights nurtured over the years. It’s as if all this while, my subconscious was crafting ideas, which now flow with clarity and purpose.

While I’d never place myself alongside cinematic luminaries like Joanna Hogg, Michael Haneke, or Claire Denis, their journeys serve as inspiration. They remind me it's never too late to begin.

This post is both a self-reminder and a nod of solidarity for those who might see parts of their story in mine. Today, armed with experience, introspection, and a film I’m truly proud of, I stand ready for the next act of this exciting journey.